the worst thing in the world

Think of the worst thing in the world.

You’re wrong – it’s taxidermy. Whatever you were thinking of, taxidermy is way worse. If you said taxidermy, you’re still wrong, it’s much, much worse than you think.

When things die they should put their energy back into the ecosystem by decaying slowly or being eaten or something. That is the most efficient use of their vast stored resources.

They should not be skinned, stuffed, and standing in a case like this:

Eeeewwwww.

I think the eyes are the worst part. Except for the poses, that is just wrong. The Museum of Natural History in New York is the worst offender I have ever seen to date. They have seen fit to arrange the monstrosities in little scenes complete with plastic foliage and painted backdrops. The one that spat on my last shred of innocence was the zebra display. The zebra are presented in a group scene set on the plains. They’re all contorted into various “lifelike” positions, which is bad enough. But this time they have gone too far.

There is a baby zebra, suckling from its mother. That is just about the creepiest shit I have ever seen. It was like seeing a zombie breastfeed. In fact, that’s pretty much what it was. And it was both disgusting and terrifying.

You may wonder, as someone both sickened and horrified by the stuffing of animals, what in all hell I was doing at the Museum of Natural History, a veritable treasure trove of hideous mounted creatures.

They also have dinosaurs, which are ok, because they’re just bones. And loads of stuff about space.

You can imagine the sort of emotional rollercoaster this building is for me. Two of the coolest things in existence are overly abundant, much like my joy when surrounded by dinosaurs and space. Joy interspersed with pure terror and vomit. A world of extremes, where everything can change in an instant – oscillating between ultimate pleasure and maximum torment. It’s like heaven and hell are housed in one badly signposted government building, and you are wandering from room to room, trying to find where to get a passport form or something.

If that description didn’t work for you, you might prefer this graph.

All that binary opposition takes it out of you. Time for a nap, except every time I close my eyes I am haunted by terrible visions. Glassy-eyed ghouls, keeping me from my dreams of space-dinosaurs.