a is for awesome, b is for badass - h

Hotels are great.

Let me explain:

Reason no. 1 – nothing is the right size

We’ve all been tempted by the forbidden mini-bar – the tiny gin, the tiny tonic, ever hoping for a genetically engineered tiny lime. But it doesn’t stop there – the miniature kettle and scaled down tea-making things. The little biscuits in packets of 3. The truly tiny kettle even excuses the individual portions of UHT milk.

Almost.

Reason no. 2 – room service

Shall we go downstairs to the restaurant? Nope – send the restaurant up here please. On a silver tray – awesome.

Reason no. 3 – stealing isn’t wrong*

A great robot once said “I love stealing, I love taking things” and this spoke to me because I love stealing, and taking things ain’t half bad** either. I don’t know what it is about things that don’t belong to me. maybe it’s that they’re shiny and tempting, and I am weak.

Or maybe it’s booze.

After years of detailed investigation, I have observed a definite correlation between the amount of alcohol I consume and my proclivity for appropriating items that I do not own***.

I also really like dares, and under the influence of alcohol I become increasingly serious about them. Hand me a drink, and I become a Victorian gentleman, bound by his wager to complete any task set, however dangerous or silly.

To be fair, I act like that when sober. I stole a couple of truly awesome trays from a café, whilst under the influence of nothing stronger than a touch of sunshine and my own hubris. I just get less selective when drunk, hence stealing some raspberries in the early hours of the new year just because I like fruit.

But in hotels it’s not wrong****. They expect you to steal. They provide you with mini shampoos and soaps and shower caps with the express purpose of you pocketing them, despite the distinct possibility that they will never be used. They display their monogrammed towels and dressing gowns so temptingly that it isn’t possible to resist. They fail to nail or chain any of the fixtures and fittings to the walls. They want you to take them*****.

Reason no. 4 – like, 3 kinds of jam

Seriously. I wish my fridge at home was stocked with as good a selection. You get so many different ones to choose from. Probably marmalade, too. And honey.

So there you have it – hotels really are great. Really great. I hope that convinced you. And if not, did you hear that there are like 3 different jams? Boom.

*stealing is wrong

** taking things is bad

*** drinking and stealing are not cool, kids

****it’s wrong

*****they really don’t