You see, they’re not all animals. Granted, some food used to be an animal, but none of my food.
I often think it’d be a lot easier if we could photosynthesise. Then we’d just have to go outside for a bit when we got hungry. Or maybe even sit by a window. It would save a lot of time, and you’d never need to be hungry. But it could never be as awesome as banoffee pie.
Whoever thought up banoffee pie as a method of replenishing the energy supply of the human body is a freaking genius. I’d like to think that my iPod feels that way about electricity, but I doubt it. It’s my own fault for anthropomorphising it by calling it Cuthbert. Now I’m sad.
I know what will cheer me up… an awesome sandwich.
I was right.
Sometimes food is not awesome, and that is just awful. Imagine if your roommate made you toast and you got really excited and put jam on one half, and some of the precious, precious marmite that was your Christmas present on the other half, and you were full of joy just in the anticipation of the deliciousness that was about to occur. Then it turned out that your roommate had already smothered it with a near invisible, yet potent layer of banana curd for some reason. The unmistakable permeation of banana through the marmite would be quite a shock. Also, it would be totally disgusting.
But at least I invented the phrase “taste-rape”. Sometimes that’s all you can do, under the circumstances.
Food really has no business being terrible. This seems like a good time to launch my latest political campaign, “Keep Food Awesome”. Say no to mediocre sandwiches with 2 fillings or fewer. Boycott meals of only one colour. Take it to the streets, people. It’s time every meal and snack became a taste explosion. Only you can prevent flavourless pasta bakes. Are you with me?
Keep it awesome, guys.
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