a toast

It’s ok – lots of guys have that problem.

Now I’ve got that out of my system I can concentrate.*

Seriously, I’m just trying to mask my grief with humour. My breakfast was fucking awful this morning.  The toaster has developed a little problem recently.

Premature ejection.

It’s just fucking bread. It’s not even warm. If anything, it may have become slightly hardened** but it’s not toast. And you are a toaster. This is the worst kind of wrongness – ontological.

Some people may disagree. They might think that the worst kind of wrongness is grammatical, like using the word “wrongness”. Well, new words are awesome –you’re just wrong. Not the worst kind (ontological wrongness) though, it’s ok. I hope that changes your mind.

What really annoys me (other than the fact that I just waited a full 3 minutes to be given a cold slice of bread that I already had in my possession in the exact same state 3 full minutes previously) is that the toaster is a single-function appliance. Like the garlic crusher and the tin opener, I only ever ask it to do one thing for me.

Unlike the tin opener, but very like the shit garlic crusher, it fails to perform its one task with any sort of competence. I just can’t deal with that. It’s not as if I burst into the kitchen barking orders:

Hey toaster, I need you to compose a symphony. That cool? Great, have it on my desk by 2 o’clock.

For one thing, I don’t even have a desk, I don’t have anywhere to put a symphony.

And while you’re here, garlic crusher, these quadratic equations are really puzzling me. Would you mind taking a look at them?

If that’s what I had requested of them, I would understand their confusion. But I didn’t. I just want them to toast or crush things. At least the garlic crusher might come into its own one day and discover a talent for pounding things. Then it could get its law degree and work as a gavel. But the toaster just sits there disrespecting the kettle’s personal space.

Fucking creeper.

It’s bad enough that it has 6 settings, and you still have to find the exact (unmarked) spot between 1 and 2 to even get close to toast. So I can only imagine what the rest of them are for.

But if the stupid contraption is going to disregard any setting above 1, I will have to cease calling it a toaster. So far the other possibilities are;

Bread holder

Bread submerger

2 min bread prison

Infuriator™

Raised bread display shelf

Get it together.

*that’s what he said

** that’s what she said