tales from the subway: vol. iii

A new game is sweeping the city’s underground transport network…

tiny dog/massive rat

You’re a New Yorker – you know the drill. You’re underground in the intense heat or subzero chill that’s being visited upon you this particular week. You’re waiting for some semblance of a train, your anticipation is increased by the fact that there is no information anywhere, and your overall enthusiasm is somewhat dampened by the end of the world style décor. There’s probably a crazy person within 15 feet. If not, it’s you. Either way, you’re happily minding your own business (or screaming about the impending apocalypse) when-

Holy shit! There’s a rat in that woman’s bag!

Phew, turns out it’s just an absurdly small canine, not a rodent at all. Back to wishing this subterranean nightmare would end, when-

Oh no, a little dog on the tracks. It must have fallen, poor helpless thing. What will we do? Wait… woah, it’s actually a monstrous rat. I mean huge! It’s getting difficult to tell now, which is what makes the game so great. Most of the time you have to infer from the context – if it’s in a bag, it’s probably a dog, because who would carry a…

Wait just a second. It appears that we’ve fallen into the trap of thinking it’s normal to carry small dogs around in your bag, as one would a hairbrush or bottle of water. It’s a dog, madam. If it can’t support its own weight during this journey, then perhaps it shouldn’t really be along for the ride.

I understand the feeling that your probably miniature apartment might not be the best of places for the equally miniature beast, but does that necessarily lead to toting it around the city? Are the streets of New York, the subway network, the many shops you will visit, and the inside of your bag really a suitable environment for your beloved pooch? I have my reservations.

That’s actually putting it mildly. If you haven’t noticed, I tend to have quite strong feelings, particularly when trapped underground. And it’s not that I don’t like dogs, I just think that certain things can only be enjoyed within the relevant context. I like chocolate éclairs but I don’t want one to unexpectedly leap out of a curry. And I feel that even tiny dogs would probably be happier running around a garden.

New York is, of course, a large, bustling city. Not a rural idyll of green pastures. Please start behaving appropriately for your surroundings. This is a bookshop, your dog does not belong here. You are shopping, not driving a cow to market. Please stop letting the madness in.

At least the worryingly massive rats are spending their time in the subway out of choice. Not my choice, obviously, I didn’t ask for the creatures to be boldly scampering along the platform, and if there’s ever a referendum on the subject I would be tempted to vote no to rat habitation on public transport. After a full and comprehensive look at all the issues involved, of course. But your dog has been stuffed in your bag, and is making a noise that suggests that, not only was it not it’s idea, but it does not look favourably upon it.

Seeing as they are virtually indistinguishable, New Yorkers’ preference for tiny dogs over massive rats, is rather shocking. There are posters up all over the subway, bearing the legend: caution – rodenticide. Not that this has had any discernable effect on the rat population. Perhaps they should just have the signs read “caution – rodents” and spare us the exposure to noxious chemicals.

Rats would still be running around the stations, and dogs would still be peering mournfully out of shoulder bags. This is enough to push a person over the edge as it is, but a simple game with the objective of telling the two apart may be the only foothold of sanity we have left. So look over there – what do you reckon… tiny dog or massive rat? Happy commuting, guys!