The backspace button on my keyboard is a control-freak and has decided that the loudening button is not doing its job adequately. So now when I wish to correct a spelling mistake, it takes the volume control into its own hands. Backspace’s chosen volume is maximum.
The loudening button is understandably annoyed by this, and is trying to wrestle back control over its ordained task. Loud’s chosen method of warfare is guerilla. It randomly increases the volume to maximum, completely unbidden. But Loudy doesn’t stop there – Loudy is a perfectionist. Not content with the level of ultimate loudness, the Loudenator ™ has been dealt by fate to wield, it refuses to accept this so-called ceiling and just keeps on trying to increase the volume to ever-higher levels, sounding out each attempt with the once comforting “put-put” noise I used to control.
Such attempts have, so far, been unsuccessful at dragging new levels of volume from the speakers. But my laptop sounds like it’s on a countdown to destruction, which is a new feature. I’m thinking that aside from the headache, this may increase my productivity by inflicting a constantly looming deadline upon me, the downside being that I probably won’t be able to use it in an airport.
I’m not sure, because of the interminable ticking hammering upon my brain, but I don’t recall this sound before I spilt water on my laptop. The most recent time, I mean – not the time I dropped a full pint glass of water on it and it shattered and sloshed everywhere in a pointy, wet wave of destruction. After the pointy wave, it was positively skipping along, performing every operation with joy and devotion, but following the more recent splash it has decided it can’t take anymore abuse and has resorted to trying to convince me it contains a bomb and may detonate at any moment.
Basically, my laptop is a terrorist.
It has always been my policy not to negotiate with terrorists. Primarily because I am not a trained negotiator, and I don’t have any cake to offer them in return for not continuing with their evil plot for world domination/legitimate protest against unspeakable injustice. I’m pretty sure that if I ever tried to directly involve myself in negotiations, secret service operatives would leap out of the scenery to bundle me into a van, away from any area where having the slightest notion of what you’re talking about is imperative. I hope it will be a surveillance van, full of the greatest technological minds and equipment. Then I can hand them my laptop and let them take negotiations off my hands.
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