the case for many condiments

I finally gave in. I bought the balsamic vinegar.

I had been resisting since the last time I gave in ended in tragedy. Having remained piously economic for many months it was time for a gastronomic treat in the shape, size and consistency of balsamic vinegar.

I was pretty excited about this – it had been a long time. My excitement was, however, somewhat lessened by the ordeal of carrying heavy bags of shopping home in the rain. Some days it’s sunny and you’re out of French bread and olives – maybe you fancy a little hummus, or some croissants for breakfast the next day. But some days it’s going to be pissing it down and you need potatoes, milk (soy and cows’) and a big tub of whatever it is that pretends to be butter. There is a distinct correlation between such days, and instances of near collapse from shoulder exhaustion.

Having braved the weather and narrowly escaped death from extreme limb tiredness, the last thing I wanted to do was unpack the shopping and put it in cupboards. But I soldiered on soldierly, like a right old soldier. At which point, the stupid plastic bag (that I hadn’t wanted but the crazy checkout lady insisted upon me using even though it is destroying the planet) promptly fell apart, dropping a massive carton of cows’ milk (which I don’t even drink) right on top, and then through, the bottle of balsamic vinegar I was so looking forward to drizzling on stuff.

I hadn’t anticipated sloshing it all over the kitchen floor, cupboards, and walls. At the most I was going to splash a little on a salad. After scrubbing it out of what is a very small, and thus entirely splattered kitchen, I was not inclined to ever buy the rotten yet delicious stuff again. But time heals all, and after a few months I forgave the vinegar and we rekindled our love affair.

Now it goes on everything. Salad – add balsamic, bagel with brie – add balsamic, sauce you leave on the heat for too long and ruin – rescue with balsamic vinegar. I don’t think I’ve created a meal without balsamic vinegar in the last two weeks. I don’t know how my system will cope when I finally run out of the stuff and have to go cold turkey.

It was the same story with the sweet chili sauce. I put that on everything until it ran out and I had to buy more and then until that one ran out and I thought I had to stop the chili madness and buy some balsamic.

This must be stopped. It is bordering on barbarism when every meal tastes of a single condiment. The only solution is to buy all of the condiments, which is no solution at all, considering the expense of all the condiments would lead to having no money left to buy things to put them on. Food things, not shelves – shelves are way out of my price range.

It’s time to take it to the streets. Are you with me? the people need condiments!