a is for awesome, b is for badass - e

That’s a moose.

Yeah, but M was already taken by something incredibly awesome, so we’re just going to have to deal with it. It’s only really called a moose in North America, anyway.

Moose are great. I mean look at them. Stop looking at me like you’ve just realised I’ve been going on about animals for ages now. Some animals just don’t get enough attention.

And moose crave attention. Lust look at what they have on their heads. That is one impressive headpiece. And the best part is that they look like they’re dressed purposely inconspicuously other than that. And then they have their serious faces making a goofy expression because they’re so excited about what they have on their head.

They can do sizeable damage to cars, not least when (due to their legendary short-sightedness) they fall in love with them and then seduce and/or rape them. They’re huge things, but attempts to domesticate them were made in the USSR. I’m glad I didn’t know this when I was 5, or I would probably have defected. Which would have been a bad move, considering perestroika was already underway. But at that time I was only young, and my heart would have ruled my head. Offer a child a pet moose, and see for yourself.

Sweden had their much more awesome plans thwarted by the near extinction of the Eurasian elk from over-hunting. They wanted to ride them. They wanted to use them to deliver post. But their ambitions did not stop there.

Moose-mounted cavalry. Just think about it. Who would dare stand against an army sitting atop the proud Eurasian elk, their fearsome antlers threatening disembowelment or something scary like that.

Awesome – but it never came to pass because of their disturbing lack of numbers.*

This is why we can’t have nice things.

*Also aggression during the rutting season.