a is for awesome, b is for badass - g

Yeah, flamingoes. F was taken. By food, so it didn’t look like the entire alphabet was going to be made up of animals.

But they’re still better than you.

Just look at them. The flamingo is the party bird. Poised at any moment to commence partying hard, living it large, burning the candle at both ends, and generally having a right old time.

They’re gregarious, for a start. Like a Hawaiian shirt, except they don’t need to wear a bright shirt covered in palm trees, because they’re already bright pink. That’s not a colour everyone can get away with – it’s probably their long, elegant legs that do it.

Somehow, the humble* flamingo has become synonymous with cocktails, bars with neon signs, and a bloody good time. Not content with that, they have invaded lawns in a beautiful explosion of kitsch. Now I’m about to get controversial, but the plastic flamingo is way better than the garden gnome. It just is. Look at them, and let the awesome wash over you. 

For some reason, lawn ornaments are a target for pranksters across the world. The humble* (and inferior) garden gnome is often stolen by practical jokers, because stealing stuff is funny. Not so the flamingo, a vision of such coolness would never be the target of petty theft. The classic flamingo joke is to cover the area with as many bright pink plastic birds as possible – that’s right, they pretty much invented the flashmob. It’s a good job they’re gregarious.

I don't think many things could bring me as much joy as waking up to find my property covered in plastic flamingoes. That would really save me a good bit of time and effort, not to mention cash, by not having to put them up myself. How does one win the flamingo lottery, I wonder? It must be my turn soon, so I'll just wait here - in my Hawaiian shirt* under this fake palm tree, sipping a pina colada. Yeah.

*not at all

*this time I mean it
*and shorts - you can't be too careful