The subway is a little like a Kindle commercial, but with less professional lighting. Also, rats.
It’s quite a lot like a Kindle commercial set in a post-apocalyptic dystopia. This isn’t a bad idea, when you think about it. Instead of smug Kindle-owning bastards sitting in parks and on beaches in brilliant sunshine, feeling superior to people with other reading devices because of the glaring lack of glare, there’d be smug Kindle-owning survivors of the Armageddon huddling under the one remaining strip-light, feeling superior to people who lost their lives in the great and terrible earthquake and resulting fires.
It would actually be an improvement on the current campaign, because no-one would be able to scream indignantly at the TV “You know what’s glare-free? This fucking paperback, you bastards – Oh fuck, my tea! I have spilt it in my indignation, and I am in agony! But yet, my paperback lives on, damp and steadfast! Try and survive that, Kindle – try and survive one day of my congenital clumsiness and spurious bursts of incandescent rage better than this soggy wad of paper and then you can charge me $139 to look at you…” because once the impenetrable dust clouds have blocked out all sunlight, we’ll probably have to burn books for fuel.
Of course, under such circumstances we have to question how we’d power the Kindle, seeing as we’re down to burning our literary heritage for warmth and light. We might also want to consider how useful its Wi-Fi capabilities would be. Seeing as my current broadband connection fails to deal with the fact that it’s 3pm and a Thursday without completely malfunctioning, I have to be skeptical about its ability to weather a nuclear winter or stand up to a new ice age. They wouldn’t put that on the advert though, as it would be unwise to show the product in a negative light. If I was pitching my post-apocalyptic scene, I would advise them not to feature anyone bemoaning the lack of electricity following the flood, or the loss of the 3G networks.*
I would also limit my own wild conjecture upon the viability of our entire economic system, as after the inferno has subsided, the human race will probably fall back into a system of bartering, current currency becoming obsolete, and $139 will become “2 tins of peaches and a blanket”. At this point, advertising may well cease to be effective, which would not favour my chances of getting hired, especially considering my lack of wood-gathering experience, and the gaping zombie-combat-shaped hole in my CV, which would doubtless be necessary skills in the post-Armageddon jobs market.
Anyway, the point is that the subway is a lot like a post-apocalyptic society – because it’s bleak, and dirty, and full of dispossessed, shuffling lunatics screaming about the end of the world. So if Kindle wanted to set their next commercial in a city ravaged by nuclear holocaust, they wouldn’t have to look very far for inspiration. They have some excellent source material in the world of the subway – the unsettling aroma, the despair, the cheery announcements about rape – not to mention that everyone has a Kindle.
It turns out that that was the original point. Everyone has a Kindle, and they spend their time on the subway reading their mystery text and having a right old time of it. Except me. I don’t have a Kindle. I don’t have an actual book, either, because it’s drying out on the radiator for a bit.
Until it is back in fighting shape I have to read other things on the subway, like the writing on people’s t shirts and the page of the newspaper that is opposite me. I really like to read on the subway. Especially the posters. Especially the ones from MTA, because they are some of the worst ever created.
In a recent effort to communicate more effectively with commuters, and raise its standing in the eyes of the general public from a vision of a post-apocalyptic wasteland to an actual transport network, MTA has cobbled together one of the worst poster campaigns ever to grace the subway’s rodenticide-drenched walls. These are some of my favourites:
For some reason, MTA has chosen to present themselves as a put-upon and underappreciated parent. They wanted something that said “Thais house doesn’t clean itself, you know. I do have a life outside of cleaning up after you. A simple “thank you” every now and again wouldn’t hurt, either, you know?” without actually saying it. And they found it, and added welding.
This one is delicious in its ineptitude. The stumbling overuse of full stops and the word “info”, the image of a not-shockingly-informative table that may or may not hold vast depths of interactive features that we can't grasp through a drawing on a poster, and the claim that this is a massive improvement from the shit that was there before. You certainly scored with this one, MTA – keep up the good work!
A really great feature of this poster campaign is that instead of randomly distributing their terrible poster failures evenly across the subway’s depressing underground network, they choose to fill entire carriages with them. Finding yourself in such a carriage is like striking subway gold. It’s like a marathon of comedy greats, and there’s no waiting involved (unlike for the train you’ve just squeezed yourself into) as they’re all there in one room. Who needs a Kindle now? There’s hilarity written on the actual walls, just waiting to entertain and enrage you at a moment's notice.
"we don't know what the internet is"
I don’t know which crazy cat decided to use this particular lingo to appear happening and with-it and totally groovy, man, but “whiz kid” is an epic stab at what the kids are saying these days. The subtle allusions to “the web” really highlight the essence of this message, namely “We don’t know what the fuck these things are, and we’re pretty annoyed that someone is making them, but apparently we can’t stop them because the info we’re so proud of is in the public domain, so we’re going to try and save face by clawing back the little control we can by telling you what to google.”
If you’re anything like me you’ll find this pretty damn entertaining, not least because “ny transit apps” doesn’t really sound like the best thing to google to find subway apps – I’d probably go for “subway app” or something. If you’re a lot like me you might spend your subway journey thinking of all the possible search terms you would use before resorting dejectedly to “ny transit apps**” If you actually are me, you will want to combine humourous rants with rigorous fact-checking, and will actually try out these searches and compare the results you get, thus proving how useless “ny transit apps” really is as a suggestion. Because research is cool.
"you bet"
The real joy of this one is its versatility – its ability to enrage, regardless of location, is something to be admired and hopefully never imitated. Whilst on the subway it taunts you with the possibility that, had you taken the bus, you would not be trapped underground at a standstill with the ever-present threat of rape looming menacingly, but hurtling along to your desired destination at breakneck speed.
If however, you find yourself trapped above ground in a bus, in a standstill in heavy traffic, and the scene out of the window has not changed for 10 minutes, you might end up staring at this poster. And that’s when it comes into its own. “Buses are “simply better. And faster”” you find yourself thinking, “if only I was on a bus hurtling along to my destination at breakneck speed, instead of trapped underground at a… hang on a second, I am on a bus! And it’s not going faster than anything. Not even the old lady that I thought was standing motionless for the past 10 minutes, but it transpires is actually walking at the snailpace dictated by the weight of her shopping.”
Breaking from your reverie concerning the ancient lady you will wonder “But they can go faster? And they’re just not doing? They’re doing this just to fuck with me? Aaaarrrggghhhhh!” And there you have it. 0 to confusion to old lady distraction to rage in under 60 seconds. Genius.
"nice to know"
Not wanting to abandon their core message that subway service is taken for granted, the MTA here turns to passive aggression. With the air of a neglected spouse slamming a plate on the table loudly exclaiming to the air “isn’t it nice to have someone cook for you everyday?” In the case of the angry spouse, I would advise the alarmed, and possibly food-splattered, spouse to reevaluate the fact that they never do anything round the house, and maybe make a fuss of the hardworking spouse once in a while. But when it comes to the MTA whinging on about providing a barely adequate service that I pay it for, then I have to draw the line.
I also have to take issue with your choice of words, MTA. Because, no. It’s not “nice” to know when my train will arrive. It’s necessary. It’s the absolute baseline of acceptable service. And the fact that you’ve only managed to roll this most mediocre of additions out across a handful of stations is not something to celebrate. So, no, you don’t get my gratitude for being slightly less shit at telling me just how late my train is, if I’m at one of the few lucky locations to be receiving this almost satisfactory feature. You certainly don’t get to make me feel bad about having the odd complain about being trapped underground with no information about how long this will continue. Rioting would not be a particularly outlandish response to such conditions, and all I’m doing is failing to reward you with regular praise. Deal with it.
"just look up"
This one is just trying to do a bit too much – just take a look at that frankly unnecessary punctuation – twice. It is also a bit undecided as whether it wants to appear in a state of shame or revel in glory. Let’s pretend we aren’t wondering about whether there are new improvements every day, or if they’re just the same ones that are seen everyday, and move on to the heart of the matter. So which is it, MTA? Are you admitting that you’ve only just cottoned on to the poster as a method of conveying information? Gutenberg invented the printing press in 1440, and you’re just showing up to the party now? Or is the other, scarier possibility? Do you genuinely believe that it’s not just new to you, but to all of us? Do you think you invented the poster?
"shit is on fire"
A stitch in time, saves nine… who said that? Oh yeah, everybody ever. This one is just so objectionable, it hurts. Right in the face – the worst place for posters to hurt you with their objectionable messages. My feelings towards this one are so dramatic as to be best expressed through a short scene:
Commuter: Excuse me, there seems to be a problem with the ticket machine
MTA Employee: What kind of problem?
Commuter: It exploded.
MTA Employee: Supervisor!
MTA Employee (of slightly higher rank): What is all this shouting?
Commuter: The ticket machine exploded everywhere. Also, it burnt my MetroCard and I want a refund/replacement.
MTA Employee (of slightly higher rank): I’ll add it to the list – we’re due for a refit next September.
MTA Employee: But… but… but… Shit is on fire!
MTA Employee (of slightly higher rank): You haven’t been here long, obviously.
I can only assume that this vignette was used for training purposes until just recently, when the MTA decided that when shit is on fire, it’s best to put it out before they come to repaint the pillars in 2 years time. Even if you’re due to have new turnstiles installed next week, if shit is on fire, best put it out and fix the electrical problems before too much death occurs. All in all, a bold move from MTA, although one has to wonder if the “100 stations” which have had their fires extinguished in a timely manner, might just be the same 100 that have the all new display boards that tell you when your train might arrive. If so, there is a disturbing class system of stations emerging. Soon the stations with no shit on fire and a vague sort of idea when stuff happens will be looking down on the ones that are still a firey tunnel of confusion.
But there’s one place we’ll still be equal – in the MTA-poster-festooned carriage. There we can all shake our heads patronisingly at the now less-faceless monolith that is the MTA, and its self-declared virgin foray into informative posters. We shouldn’t laugh – it’s your first try. And even if they’re not really going to paint you as any less incompetent, at least they’ve been an entertaining read.
* I would also limit the amount of footage of me yelling abuse about the product at a TV screen, dripping in hot, hot liquid.
** Don’t use a plural – it’s not cool, “app” is much better.
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