attack of the killer tomatoes

I am a domestic goddess. Unfortunately I am Shiva, the destroyer.

I was all set to write about something awesome and badass beginning with b, but instead I feel compelled to address a burning issue.

It may well be erroneous to call it a burning issue, only time will tell.

We were all told as children that oil and water don’t mix. Thus, when deep-frying goes horribly wrong, lobbing a bucket of water at the situation won’t help. Also, water and electricity. You’ll notice how water is a difficult bastard, and doesn’t seem to mix well at all. Especially not bathfulls of the stuff with toasters or whatever.

Have you ever wondered what gas doesn’t mix with? You wouldn’t think that it’d be much, seeing as it’s gas and that’s one of the main properties of a gas. But if you had to guess, what would it be? Just one thing you wouldn’t think gas would go so well with…

Turns out it’s tomatoes.

How did I find this out? Empirically.

Let me explain, I wasn’t optimistic about the combination before the experiment, but the results have pretty much proven the hypothesis. And also let me clarify the nature of the experiment. It was the kind of experiment where you leave a load of unwashed equipment in the laboratory sink, and return to find it covered in penicillin. Except you haven’t discovered a life-saving antibiotic, you’ve just dumped a tin of tomatoes into the hob, and probably down the pipe and may well blow up the building if you try to use the stove.

I can inform you, however, that the building did not blow up when I tried to turn the hob on. Being an empiricist is dangerous and thrilling sometimes, because there really is only one way to find out. But there wasn’t any firey death from lighting the stove, perhaps due to the fact that it didn’t light.

Maybe it won’t ever.

I have tried a good few times now, for as much time as I can stand without seriously worrying about gas poisoning. Except I’m pretty sure natural gas isn’t poisonous – it just makes things explode when ignited.

Well this gas won’t ignite, and I have a headache from evidently psychosomatic gas poisoning. Plus there’s a load of tomatoes in my hob, which isn’t really large enough to go poking around in with a sponge.

After acting as a true empiricist I can conclude that a sponge and my hand won’t both fit in the hob. My hand doesn’t fit in by itself, either. The sponge can go in solo, but then you have to dig around in there with a knife to release it. Sorry, sponge, I’ll never leave you alone in the dark again. Turning off the light when I go to bed doesn’t count, by the way, because you sleep then, and you can hang out with the kettle and the taps.

So, kids – don’t mix gas and tomatoes. Bad shit happens.

I blame empiricism.

Especially David Hume.

Smug git.