tales from the subway: vol. i

Ladies and Gentlemen, a crowded subway is no excuse for unlawful sexual conduct.

Thank you for clarifying, oh subway oracle, great voice of subterranean reason – until you settled the debate, my fellow commuters and I had been unsure about the complexities of this particular social dilemma.

Really, REALLY?

Are you suggesting, oh disembodied herald of train traffic ahead, that there are a significant enough number of people using high passenger volume to explain away sexual assault?

“May I draw the court’s attention to the fact that the subway on the morning in question was standing room only? Witness statements describe conditions as “packed”, “rammed” and “a real clusterfuck” – I therefore move that the case be dismissed.”

You can just see it, can’t you? Except, no. No, you can’t. Some things just don’t need to be said. And if they do need to be expressed in the form of a pre-recorded announcement then it is indicative of deeper problems in society.

If it has indeed got to this point – the deep, dark moral midnight where fellow passengers refuse to refrain from inappropriate touching, let alone give up their seats for those less able to stand, then it is possible that a harsher tone may be required to get the message across. I suggest the cheery-yet-firm voiceover be rerecorded in a state of breathless panic by a near-frenzied announcer who screams:

“For heaven’s sake, stop raping! It’s 8:30 in the morning – you’re on your way to work. What is wrong with you people?”

I assume the accompanying “no raping” poster campaign would feature a silhouetted Benny Hill figure in characteristic babe-chasing stance, surrounded by a red circle with a line through it. And possibly celebrity endorsement of the message… but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Because for me, the whole notion that the sort of person who would casually commit a violent crime on public transport, would desist in this activity because of a polite reminder, seems faintly ridiculous.

Maybe this is simply my own prejudice – why do I assume that said groper would also litter with gay abandon and willfully hold open the doors, paying no heed to the gap between the train and the platform edge? Perhaps this wanton fondler just needs some gentle explanation, that however reasonable his rapey response to a full commuter train may seem, cramped conditions do not necessarily entail sexual harassment.

If this is true, we could role out the scheme to cover some of the human race’s other problems. Perhaps a “no axe murder” sign would make a sizeable dent in the crime figures, and “no ethnic cleansing” posters could calm areas of political instability. Maybe all the world’s problems can in fact be fixed with an informative sign reading:

And so on and so forth.

It’s a thought.