Today I invented a life-changing device that will bring great happiness to all of mankind. In my mind. But as soon as I work out how to make it into an invention that exists in the real world, then all our problems are over.
I got the idea from sat nav, in the sense that my superamazing invention is sat nav.
Quiet, you – sat nav is a great invention. The only flaw in my chosen route to fame and fortune is the fact that I got the idea from someone already inventing it. But my idea goes a step further…
Life sat nav.
What original sat nav has done for the directionally challenged, life sat nav will do for those of us who are a bit lost in a more general, metaphysical sense. When we are pondering how to achieve ultimate happiness it will remind us to wash our clothes and to get cash out.
It will be invaluable socially, transforming the unmitigated disaster most interpersonal exchanges become when left to human judgment, into fulfilling encounters, full of joy and mutual gratification.
Because all we really need is the right information to hand – then we could make sensible decisions, instead of flailing about in the dark. Some people have a great little voice at the back of their mind that helps them out – their intuition, and some people’s are better than others. I say screw intuition, I want an actual little voice that tells me what to do.
I want to hear the comforting sounds of a reliable guide when a situation occurs. When I am working or procrastinating away at my desk I’d like a heads up if a possibly important moment is about to confront me.
“Boss approaching to ask your opinion in 45 seconds.”
That’s time enough to stop pulling that face that happens when I concentrate. And if I need extra guidance, life sat nav will be there. If I don’t hear the question it will gently remind me the proper course of action for career success.
“Ask for clarification.”
This will prevent me, and the thousands like me, that would be more inclined to stare blankly for a seeming eternity, and then blurt out “I agree with Tony” in a panicked shriek, because despite the fact that we lack the vital ingredient of a colleague named Tony, that really was the best we could come up with.
As the technology improves it will be able to give more advanced warnings of future hazards, and how to avoid them altogether.
“Old school friend travelling west on fruit and veg aisle. Dive behind salad bar.”
Also, there will be voices. Lots of different voices to choose from – from the standard cheerily mechanical chaperons of either gender we’ve grown to love on public transport and self-scanning checkouts to celebrity favourites.
How much better would everyone’s life be if narrated in the soothing tones of David Attenborough? A lot, is the answer.
“When confronted by a fellow pedestrian approaching from the other direction, the two humans engage in an age-old dance from right to left, until they finally grow frustrated of the ritual and one stands to the side, allowing the other to pass by.”
That would really take the embarrassment out of it, well… a good 15%* of the embarrassment.
Frankly, any voice in my head would be more helpful than my default setting of blind panic. “Abandon ship!” can be a terrifying inner mantra, and some of the selections from classic sat nav would translate well. Darth Vader does, on the whole, make better life choices than me. Granted, his parenting skills are called into question when he cuts of his son’s hand in battle, but to be fair he was under a lot of pressure at work. Even having Mr. T bark “Shut up fool” at random intervals would probably cut out about a 1/5** of the crushing social faux pas I commit daily.
I have often been told that it is important to decide what you want in life, because then you can start making it happen. Well, I want an invention that tells me firmly and politely, or in a funny voice, how to deal with whatever the hell is going on right now, because I’m damned if I have a clue.
*based on unsubstantiated guesswork
**based on wild conjecture
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