Sometimes separate groups of people describe the same phenomenon independently, and thus differently. A battle between the two phrases then ensues, with the mightiest winning a place in the general lexicon.
Each contender will have its own relative merits, its own pros and cons. I like lists because they feel like you’re doing something, when actually you’re just sitting down with a cup of tea and doodling.
So here goes:
It seems we have a winner. Congratulations, monobrow! Welcome to the dictionary. But don’t get any ideas; you’re not welcome on anyone’s face.
No such list is necessary, or indeed appropriate for the following two competing phrases:
There is just no excuse for the phrase “double fisting”.
Firstly, a person holding two drinks is a hugely unremarkable situation that does not require a term, unlike the affliction of a man whose facial hair mistakenly believes him to be a Cyclops. That is the kind of thing that deserves a word all of its own.
Carrying four drinks is pretty impressive, considering the number of hands most humans possess. The kind of impressive that leads to phrases such as “You’re carrying four drinks?” “Need a hand, mate?” and “Why is there beer all over the floor?” And drinking two drinks may well provoke comments such as “One of those days, eh?” “£10 minimum to use a card, is it?” and “We’re doing shots? Anything but tequila – it is the devil’s urine.”
Holding one drink in each hand, however, is neither interesting nor challenging enough to require making it the definition of a verb phrase.
Secondly, (yes, all of that was just one point) did you just hear yourself? Double fisting? You heard yourself say fisting? You heard yourself say the words “double fisting” and it wasn’t some kind of hideously embarrassing Freudian slip? You are actively choosing that particular phrase to describe the innocent and benign act of holding two drinks at the same time?
I could think of several phrases as relevant and as appropriate as “double fisting” to describe everyday events and occurrences – and I have, so here they are:
crotch banquet = pub
suggested usage:
“Did you tell Simon we’re going to the crotch banquet for a quick one before the party?”
"So here we are, 40 years married. And to think it all began at a crotch banquet in Clapham..."
bumming Hitler = putting the kettle on
suggested usage:
“I’m just bumming Hitler, darling. Would you like a cup of tea?”
“I’m gasping after pruning those hedges, be a sweetie and bum Hitler?”
pork a grapefruit = take a cab
suggested usage:
“We've got half an hour to wait for the train. What do you think about porking a grapefruit?”
“None of the girls even brought coats so we should probably just pork a grapefruit on the way home.”
cockfondle = handshake
suggested usage:
“You have an impressive grip, sir – that cockfondle was intense.”
“I’m not one to go in for the Continental kiss on each cheek – I like a good old fashioned cockfondle.”
All as appropriate as “double fisting”.
In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, it is neither sensible nor appropriate to use the phrase “double fisting” when you simply mean “holding two drinks”, and anyone who behaves in such a manner quite frankly needs a slap. So stop it, because not only is it ridiculous to use such a phrase, it’s downright inconsiderate to expect someone holding two drinks to have to put one down in order to give you a well-deserved slap just because you couldn’t keep your filthy mouth shut. There might not even be a handily placed table nearby – do you expect them to put their drink on the bare floor so they can sock you in the face? That really is beyond the pale, and not the mark of a civilised society.
Sort it out.
